A tattooist decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Chihuahua along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies; and before long, she discovers that she is lost. So, wandering about she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. Chili thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." Then she notices some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settled down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the Chili pill exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That Chihuahua nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the Chihuahua saw him heading after the leopard with great speed and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now Chili dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, she sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, Chili says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

Thomas Lockhart
Vancouver, December 2001

You cannot believe the road hazards here. There are packs of dogs everywhere. Apparently they don't rent many scooters here because the dogs chase them down. Literally. Yesterday, the taxi I hired to get to the tattoo convention hit a dog that launched itself at us from hiding among the bushes that lined the road. The driver never had a chance to swerve and we hit the dog full on at 40 miles per hour. Rule of the road in Samoa is you just keep going. If you stopped you might become a traffic fatality yourself.

On the way home from the convention a pack of pigs ran in front of us. I had never seen a Samoan taxi driver look so frightened. This jovial guy was absolutely terrified. I held on for dear life as he slammed on the brakes, swerved, slammed on the brakes again, careened over the shoulder of the road and into the ditch, hit the road again and slammed on the brakes until we came to a screeching halt. The taxi filled with smoke and dust. "Jesus" was all I could manage. "You said it, Boss" replied the taxi driver as he wiped a torrent of sweat from his forehead.

The taxi driver said that if we'd have hit a pig we just would have driven straight to the police station and turned ourselves in. You would never stop. The police, or in this case the taxi drivers Chief, would have had to negotiate compensation for the pig. And a herd of pigs? Forget it. That would probably bankrupt you. Because these would have been prized, sacred pigs of incalculable worth...

Okay, my two fingers and back are sore now. Oh, by the way, did I mention I have now calculated that I will be living on Mr. Noodles and sleeping in the bushes for the rest of this trip? :) I love documentary filmmaking!

Vince Hemingson
Samoa, November 2001